guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize