Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
