I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
