I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
