i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
