everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
