he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
