I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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