If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
