idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
