I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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