It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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