There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
