youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize