ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
