So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
