yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
