and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
