good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
