did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
