the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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