i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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