Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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