Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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