well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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