I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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