She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
