So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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