I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
