I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
