now i know why i became what i already was.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
