were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
