so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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