So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
