On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
