and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
bring money and cleavage
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
