Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
