there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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