i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
