Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
