My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
