I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
