I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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