nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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