first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
