This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Pooping to opera.
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