I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
