Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
