Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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