Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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