I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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