Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
