i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My pussy is not your playground.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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