The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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