If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
