I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
