I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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