So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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