I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize