I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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