You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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