I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize