i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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