Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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