dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
