Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
