Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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