Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
