How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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