Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
